Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
