i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
