he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
