my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
