So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
