He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
