We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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