how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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