i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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