you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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