yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
