wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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