Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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