I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
