I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
