Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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