Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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