my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
