highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
