I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
