that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
