she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
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