I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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