I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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