I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
