i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
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