i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Randomize
