you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..