Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
one might say we're banned from that church
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
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Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
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Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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