I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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