my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
