I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
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Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
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is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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