how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
