i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
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i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
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If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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