I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize