shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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