I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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