Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
