the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
