wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
