I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
