Apparently you make a good broom.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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