nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
