Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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