fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
