The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
