If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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