Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
