ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
