tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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