I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Randomize
