At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
