Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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