Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
