My friends, they love my intelligence
"it" just moved
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
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Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
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It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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