Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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