I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
either way he was missing a nipple.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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