onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
