i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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