between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
