Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
