every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
