I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
