he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
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