I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
