I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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