I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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